Harry Potter and the Idiot's Shiny Rock
by LizzyRiddle
Summary: This is my first FanFiction.  SO BE NICE!...Please?  I had help on the first part with the-rage-in-disguise.  I did the last few paragraphs.  And she helped me proofread some of it.  So I will shuttup and let you get on with the story :  ;P :D ; :P ;D !
1. Chapter 1

_**Harry Potter and the Idiot's Shiny Rock **_

AN: This is my first Fanfic, so please be nice :). Special thanks to the-rage-in-disguise for helping me with the story and title. So on with the story *epic music*

Chapter 1

It was a normal day at the Dursleys', normal except for the fact that there was a giant oaf who was randomly bursting through the door. And then he got in and gave Harry a pig's tail. Because he was so dumb that he could not differentiate Harry from Dudley, even though it had already been clearly established that he is extremely famous and that Harry Potter is a household name.

"Ahh 'orry 'Arry . I didn't know ye done 'ad green eyes and black 'air." Apologized Hagid.

"Uhhhh" Harry said , with drool coming out of the side of his mouth .

"Uh, Harry? Your mouth." Said Dudley, while handing him a tissue.

"OOOOOO! PRETTY!" exclaimed Harry, who promptly began to play with the 'pretty' tissue.

"Harry is a little … special," Said Aunt Petunia "He just needs a little extra help."

"Nonsense, Tunia! The boy is remarkably brilliant!" Uncle Vernon bellowed.

Dudley rolled his eyes and walked out to finish working on the cure for cancer. It's really just an extra hobby.

Harry now had crawled over to a table and began to wail. Aunt Petunia walked over toward him, knelt down and started to jingle her keys.

Anyway, since the authors needed a plot device, they decided to go to King's Cross, never mind the fact that it was a week until September 1st. So they waited for the train. Harry played with the keys for the entire week. Dumbledore appeared out of nowhere and looked at Harry.

"We are so screwed."

And then he left.

And then the train came at last.

So then they met the Weasleys and Harry met Ron. And Harry looked at Ron and thought he was an idiot, just like Harry .Harry had a new friend! Yay!

So then they got on the train (and Harry and Ron cried, naturally).

Then Hermione walked in and sat with them because she's antisocial and didn't even want to make an effort to have some actual friends. And because she felt sorry for them. Because they are obviously extremely stupid. Ron cried some more. Hermione shifted around awkwardly and then read _Hogwarts: A History_ for the millionth time.

Voldymoldy randomly showed up on the train.

"IMMA KEEL YOU FOO!"

And then he left. Harry and Ron simutaneously cried. Hermione sighed.

Then they got to Hogwarts , because the authors needed a plot device . Again. So Dumbledore saw Harry and took another swig of his beer. _That's the Boy Who Lived?_ he thought. _Well, I guess he could be trained to be normal ._Then the sorting began, McGonagall said some other dudes' names . Then she called "Granger, Hermione." and Hermione sat on the giant toad because they were too cheap to buy a stool. "GRYFFINDOR!" Shouted the hat. Hermione ran to the Gryffindor table while the other Gryffindors were sleeping and drooling on their tables. Then some other insignificant characters that are never referred to ever again were called and then McGonagall called "Potter, Harry!"

Harry crawled to the toad and couldn't figure out how to put the hat on, so McGonagall had to help him. The hat whispered into Harry's ear "Well, you seem like you should be in Slytherin. They take the meanest people. You are EVIL!" Harry started to blubber.

"Fine, fine, fine. I'll put you in Gryffindor. Are you happy? Good. GRYFFINDOR!" shouted the hat.

Harry crawled to the Gryffindor table while everybody cheered at the 'genius' before them. Harry grinned. "I is a smarticles Harry!" He proclaimed . Everyone else clapped half-heartedly after seeing what an idiot he truly was.

Then a few more insignificant characters …Then came "Weasley, Ronald," who was just as insignificant as the other people. Ron crawled to the toad but it took a while because he didn't know where to sit. It ended up that McGonagall had to carry Ron to the toad and jam the hat on his head. It took very long because Ron tore up the hat because it told him he had to go into Slytherin. So Dumbledore had to go on Amazon(They rush ordered it) to buy another one. But they gave him a fake one, so he just told Ron to go into Gryffindor. Ron crawled his way to the Gryffindor table, and yet again he didn't know where to sit so Dumbledore (who was very drunk) carried Ron on to the table rather than the dinner chairs.

Then food appeared on the tables, Ron ate all the food around him without any utensils and he was too lazy to get on his chair. Harry had hit his spoon at everyone at the Gryffindor table because he didn't know how to use it until Hermione showed him, but that too took long . Harry met the Gryffindor ghost, Nearly Headless Nick. When Ron saw him he took off everything he was wearing except for his tightie-whities and ran around in circles and screamed "ME ON FIRE! ME ON FIRE!" Everyone was too lazy to tell him to stop so he did that for 2 hours. Then he got tired so he crawled on top of the table and started rocking like a baby. Harry asked Nick "Who creepy Slytherin doof?" pointing to a boy with sleek blond hair and looked like a mugger who was selling drugs and was drinking a lot of alcohol. Nick sighed "Do I have to tell you everything, idiot? His name is Draco Malfoy and he has a brain unlike you," He continued to lecture Harry about being stupid for 15 minutes.

Harry didn't understand most of the things Nick said, but he barely knew that the dude's name was Draco Malfoy, and he hated him. Unexpectedly, Ron had said with a mouthful of mashed potato "Ronnie no like creep. Ronnie like shiny keys." And then began to eat food off of Hermione's plate.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Harry Potter and the Idiot's Shiny Rock**_

Chapter 2

A lot of things happened in Harry's first days at Hogwarts. Such as Harry and Ron becoming enemies with Draco Malfoy. They became enemies with Malfoy when Harry was sitting in the hall, licking a lollipop, and then Malfoy came, took the lollipop, and walked away. So of course, Harry started crying, he told Ron what happened and Ron started crying. So then Harry and Ron became enemies with Malfoy.

Another thing that happened was Harry and Ron's first Potions class. It happened like this: Everyone was talking to someone except for Hermione. Then Severus Snape strutted into the room and said his speech "I am Severus Snape, your Potions teacher, and the reason the world has intellectual people." Snape looked at Harry and Ron, who (as usual) looked incredibly stupid. "Then again," Snape continued "some people may be just incredibly dim-witted, such as Potter and Weasley." Harry and Ron had then put their attention to Snape. Snape started talking again "Anyway, rules are that you make your potions correctly, OR YOU FAIL. Another rule is that you have NO fun, OR YOU FAIL. And lastly, you will never, ever touch Mr. Wooglewaggles," pointing at a stuffed bear, "**OR YOU DIE A MOST PAINFUL DEATH, AND I WILL EAT YOUR BRAIN THE SPIT IT OUT AND RUB ON YOUR UGLY, DEAD BODY!**"

No one dared to make a sound except for Harry and Ron, who were rocking and crying on the ground. "SHUT UP!" Snape screamed, but Harry and Ron continued to cry and rock. Snape threw books at each of them and Harry and Ron sat at their chairs and began blubbering. Snape smiled, "Today you hooligans will make me a cure for boils." Everyone started getting supplies, even Harry and Ron. Harry got a tube of tooth paste, a candy bar, and a tooth pick. He started to but everything in his cauldron and started to stir feverishly. However, Ron had got a ham sandwich, an olive, but when he tried to get Mr. Wooglewaggles as an ingredient Snape screamed like a little girl and grabbed Ron's neck. But then, Dumbledore randomly showed up and put his hands on his hips and shook his head, and randomly disappeared.

Snape had let go of Ron (who was turning purple) and whispered to him "If you touch Mr. Wooglewaggles again I _**WILL **_kill you!" Ron ran away and took a jar of jelly as his last ingredient. Then he rushed over to his desk and started to eat all of his ingredients, and then he spat them out into his cauldron, and started to stir very quickly. At the end of class, Snape failed everyone, even Hermione who had correctly made her potion.

Also, another thing that happened was Harry and Ron's first Flying lesson. It happened like this: Madam Hooch came over to the class and said "Put your hand over your broom and say UP, you idiotic baboons!" Hermione had to tell Harry and Ron where their brooms were. Then, everyone shouted "UP!" No one was able to catch their broom, but when no one was looking Harry bent down, and snatched his broom up. Everyone looked very impressed, except for Hermione who looked extremely angry at the fact that her broom was doing the hokey-pokey. In the end, everyone had to bend down and take their brooms because they couldn't do it as 'well' as Harry.

"Okay, on the count of three I will blow my whistle and you will mount your broom and kick off of the ground," Madam Hooch said very enthusiastically for some odd reason. Hermione nodded to show that she understood, but the rest of the class (who were very dim-witted) didn't nod because they didn't understand a word she said. Then, Madam Hooch said "Alright, 1 2," but Neville (who was playing tag with his broomstick) was lifted off the ground by his broomstick and was swishing around in the air. Everyone looked very impressed because they thought that was what they were supposed to do, but then they realized they were wrong when Neville hit the wall and fell down with a large _thump_ and dropped an apple he was going to eat later.

Madam Hooch rushed over to Neville (who was crying deeply) to check if he had gotten hurt. It turned out he broke his wrist and had to be taken to the hospital wing. So Madam Hooch took him to the hospital. Malfoy picked up Neville's apple and said "Look, it's the stupid apple Longbottom's grandma sent him. **I AM GOING TO EAT IT!**" Harry said for some reason "Give me red thingy, Milfoy!" Harry didn't know how to pronounce Malfoy's actual name. "If you want it, Potter, come and get it!" Malfoy mounted his broom and took off. Harry didn't exactly know what to do so he just held his broom high and jumped. He went off into the sky and Malfoy shouted "Go catch it then," he threw the apple high into the air and went back down to the ground. Harry turned sideways accidently and the apple fell into his chest and went slowly down to the ground.

"**HARRY POTTER!**" McGonagall screamed. Harry went with McGonagall. They went to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom where McGonagall asked Quirrell "Can I borrow Wood?" "Y-yes," stuttered Quirrell. A stupid looking boy came out of the room and McGonagall said excitedly "Wood, I found you a Seeker!" "Yay, me so happy," Wood said. "Potter, you are a person on the Gryffindor Quidditch and Wood is the captain he will explain everything to you. Congratulations, I will give you a broomstick, goodbye," said McGonagall. And she and Wood left leaving Harry very happy, but extremely confused. He went to meet Ron in the main staircase where he told Ron what happened. Ron told him everything about Quidditch and told him he was going to be honored.

"Harry, Ron, I need to talk to you two," said Hermione unexpectedly. Harry and Ron screamed and ran away, while Hermione ran after them. Harry, Ron, and Hermione ran through a door and saw a tiny Chihuahua. They all screamed simultaneously and ran out the door and into the Gryffindor common room. "That dog is guarding something, it was standing on a trapdoor," Hermione said. Then, Harry said "Me want no this, me want bed, me want bed!" And then, Harry and Ron went to bed leaving Hermione standing alone.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Harry Potter and the Idiot's Shiny Rock **_

AN: For people who don't understand, most of the characters are supposed to be IDIOTS! This is supposed to show what the book series would be if Harry, Ron, and some other people were idiots, and that the people who are supposed very smart are just average or an ordinary smart person. But, Harry and Ron are going to get a little smarter when the books progress.

Chapter 3

A few insignificant days past, then it was Halloween. Halloween was very special at Hogwarts because the teachers removed the talking and moving portraits and put up old newspaper clippings to show the wizarding world's history, so they could show the students wizard history. Truthfully, they only rented the portraits (Dumbledore was a cheapskate) so they had to return them on Halloween. And, since Dumbledore didn't want to make the students think he was a cheapskate, (even though he was) he made the teachers put up clippings of the newspaper on the wall to fill the portraits' place.

The students did have to attend to their lessons. So naturally I am going to tell you about Harry's lessons on Halloween. In Harry's Charms class, the students had to go into pairs to practice the levitation spell, "Wingardium Leviosa." Harry was paired up with Neville (they weren't saying the correct words) and Ron was paired up with Hermione. Ron (like everyone else) was not saying the correct words, so that made Hermione VERY frustrated.

"HOW COULD YOU NOT SAY THE CORRECT WORDS," Hermione was saying loudly, "YOU WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO OPEN A DOOR!" Hermione was not good at insulting, but like always, Ron started cry loudly, kick, and scream. Since Flitwick didn't do anything, but sigh, Hermione jumped on the students' table and screamed, then ran out of the room and randomly burst into tears. Everyone had a clueless expression on their faces, and Flitwick did nothing but say, "Well…. um…. just…. class dismissed." All the students left.

Harry and Ron didn't see Hermione in any other classes, but they thought a chair was Hermione and because they were going to carry the chair out of the room (they thought 'Hermione' was sleeping) they didn't get a sticker like everyone else. "RONNIE WANT STICKER!" Ron exclaimed. In the end, Ron got a sticker because he kept stabbing Professor Sprout with a knife (don't ask where it came from) until he got a sticker. The only thing Ron learned in that lesson is to whine.

Harry and Ron went through their all their lessons, wondering why they got in trouble for trying to get Hermione to their next lesson. When they got done with all their lessons, Ron and Harry came face to face with Malfoy. Malfoy told them with his demented weasel voice (when Malfoy was a young kid, he cut himself in the throat for no reason whatsoever) "Your friend Granger was found crying in the bathroom ha!" Harry and Ron didn't really care about this new piece of information because they forgot who Hermione was, but they knew that they had to do something eventually. Malfoy walked away from them with his head down because he wanted them to start crying like they did in everything else.

Harry and Ron had a cheap dinner because Dumbledore forgot to buy quality ingredients for cooking. The food that was served was cardboard salad with ketchup as a salad dressing, live fish, and for dessert they had empty bowls of ice cream. In the middle of dinner, Quirrell ran to Dumbledore and exclaimed loudly "TROLL IN THE DUNGEON! EVACUATE THE SCHOOL IMMEDIATELY! DO YOU HEAR ME YOU OLD, STUPID, DRUNKEN CODGER?" Dumbledore said stupidly "Uhhhh….What?" Dumbledore was (of course) drunk. Dumbledore passed out. McGonagall took control and told the clueless students "Go to your dormitories and we teachers will tell you when you can leave."

The students didn't know what McGonagall was talking about, so they sat on their chairs and looked at McGonagall stupidly. McGonagall seemed to know that they didn't understand, so she told them "Candy in dormitories." Students started walking to their dormitories. Harry and Ron also went to their dormitories, but when they were in the hallway the met the big, ugly, stupid troll. It turned out to be Ron's long lost brother. Just kidding! The troll took Harry and Ron by the hand and smashed his way into the girls' bathroom.

Hermione was wiping her wet, red eyes on a towel. She then realized that a troll had just entered. Hermione started screaming as loud as she could. But that didn't work. The troll dropped Ron and Harry very hard. So naturally, Ron and Harry started crying. The troll didn't notice, but he picked up Hermione. Hermione kept on screaming and yelling for help, but all the same, the troll was going to jam Hermione into the stone wall so she will turn into a mass of blood and patches of skin, but then…Ron started crying and whining on the troll's foot. The troll saw Ron cry on his foot.

Then, Ron went PSYCHO he jammed his abnormally large fist on the troll's foot, which made the troll yell in pain and drop Hermione. Hermione toppled on Harry, and for the first time, Harry didn't start blubbering, but he just started crying automatically. On the other hand, the troll was down on the floor of the bathroom because Ron took out a pair of scissors and started cutting off the troll's toes. So there laid a toeless troll.

Then finally, Quirrell, McGonagall, and Snape walked into the girls' bathroom and looked around the bathroom looking shocked and disgusted. McGonagall asked to Harry, Ron, and Hermione "What on earth happened here?" Hermione told what happened to the teachers. McGonagall the told them, "Fine, 20 points from Gryffindor, but 2 points for Weasley for slaying the troll. NOW good night" The 3 Gryffindors left the bathroom happily. Hermione went the correct way to the Gryffindor common room, but Harry and Ron got lost and roamed around the school trying to get to the common room, but actually they were right in front of the door, and it took them 6 hours to notice. When they finally entered the common room, Hermione walked up to them and told them "Thanks, and now we are friends, goodnight!" Then she left and went up to the girls' dormitories.

She wasn't joking. Harry and Ron realized that the next day when they had potions class. During the class, Snape got really annoyed with Harry and Ron because they kept drinking potions that made them turn into different colors. So, Snape told them "Here my pretties, this potion will turn you PURPLE!" The potion was poison. Harry and Ron replied "Oooo pretty!" But when Snape was handing the potion to Harry and Ron, Hermione came over to the table with a sledgehammer and knocked the potion out of Harry's hands and then knocked the sledgehammer on Snape's head which made him be unconscious and when he finally regained conscious he didn't remember who did it and that's why Hermione didn't get in trouble.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Harry Potter and the Idiot's Shiny Rock**_

AN: My fourth chapter of my amazing Fanfic! This chapter will say stuff like, "flashback from chapter 2", but that just means that if you look back at the chapter you would understand the sentence/paragraph better. Also, Hagrid is supposed to talk improperly.

Chapter 4

Since Harry and Ron became friends with Hermione, she started giving them lessons to make them smarter. Harry and Ron hated the lessons, but they dealt with them anyways. Also, Ron had gained an aggressive attitude. Harry and Hermione found this piece of information (Hermione had to explain it to Harry and Harry naturally didn't understand) when Hermione got the biggest piece of chicken (Hermione is obese), but Ron wanted it so he stabbed Hermione with a fork until she gave it to him.

Also, Harry had to learn about Quidditch since he was on the team (flashback from chapter 2), so a few nights ago, Harry met with the Gryffindor team captain, Oliver Wood. He also received a broom from McGonagall (it was a Nimbus 2000). This is how it went: Harry left the Gryffindor common room so he could go to the Quidditch field (he was actually already outside, but he went to the common room, and back outside, again). He crawled to the Quidditch field, but while he was crawling to the field, he realized that crawling wasn't the best way for traveling (FINALLY).

Harry saw Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle playing with a hopping broom (a broom that hops 24/7), Harry remembered how he became enemies with Malfoy (flashback from chapter 2) and wanted payback. So he ran full speed to Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle and snatched the broom from Goyle's plump hand. He jumped on top of the broom and the broom hopped anywhere Harry directed it. Since Malfoy and his fat goons wanted the broom back, Harry made the broom hop on top of them, which made them collapse. Harry did that for 9 hours and he forgot to go to the Quidditch field to learn about Quidditch, so he had to go tomorrow. Harry loved the hopping broom so much, that he kept the broom and named the broom, Bobby Goat. Bobby Goat could work like a regular broom, so Harry would use the broom at Quidditch games and practices. He threw away the Nimbus 2000 because of Bobby Goat.

The next morning Harry had a food fight with Snape during potions class (they were actually using potion ingredients instead of food). And he missed the Quidditch lesson again. The next day, McGonagall was upset with Harry because he knows absolutely nothing about Quidditch, and the first game was tomorrow. So she asked Harry if he could meet Wood at 5:00, but Harry said that he had scheduled a fist fight with Malfoy that would last from 4:45-6:00. McGonagall was so mad at Harry, that steam went out her ears and flames of fire went shooting out her nostrils.

McGonagall screamed at Harry, "YOU IDIOT! THERE IS A QUIDDITCH MATCH TOMORROW AND YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT QUIDDITCH! YOU WILL GO TO THE QUIDDITCH LESSON AT 5:00 TOMORROW! DO YOU INDDERSTAND?" Harry was blubbering loudly, and nodded his head.

So, Harry arrived at the Quidditch practice at 5:45. He would have been there at around 5:10, but he forgot and would have arrived there only 10 minutes late, but McGonagall saw that he forgot about the practice. So, she took him to her office and hit him with a sledgehammer for 35 minutes (she and Hermione have a collection of sledgehammers) rather than simply taking him to the lesson herself.

So he finally arrived at the field, and learned all about Quidditch. He learned that there are 7 members on the team and 3 of them are chasers, 2 of them are Beaters, 1 of them are the keeper, and the last member is the seeker. Also, that there are 3 types of balls in Quidditch, and those are a bludger (2 of them in a game), a quaffle (1 of them in a game), and the Golden Snitch (1 of them in a game).

The chasers have to throw the quaffle into one of the three hoops, while the beaters hit the bludgers at the chasers with the quaffle with their bats. The keeper defends the hoops, and the seeker tries to catch the golden snitch. "Sound simple enough? Goody gumdrops!" said Wood excitedly. Since, Harry fell asleep when they were trying to practice catching the snitch, Wood got mad at Harry and confiscated Bobby Goat and said, "YOU IDIOT! YOU CAN HAVE YOUR RETARDED BROOM BACK AT THE MATCH, YOU IDIOTIC, SMELLY, RETARDED, IDIOT!"

So, Harry didn't get his broom back, so he cried loudly. He went off into the Gryffindor common room, but since he didn't know where it was, he entered the girls' bathroom, but he got kicked out (literally), so he went into the boys' bathroom. In the bathroom, Harry found Ron flushing the toilet a bunch of times. Ron told Harry, "Fun thingy!" So, Harry went to the other stall and was doing the same thing for 3 hours. McGonagall saw toilet water outside the bathroom and went in to investigate.

When she got in, she saw Harry and Ron making Ron's toilet (he named it Bob) and Harry's toilet (he named it Pokey), racing each other. McGonagall was furious, so she demolished the toilets. She carried Harry and Ron to the Gryffindor common room, while Harry and Ron sucked their thumbs, and put them in their beds angrily.

The next morning was the first Quidditch match of the season. Harry did not remember, but when he got up everyone was mad at him. It turned out that the Quidditch match was three hours ago. Since Harry was in such a deep sleep, everyone thought he was dead and played the game without Harry. When people saw Harry, they were mad because they thought being dead would be better than let the Gryffindor team lose. So, Harry had to play next week.

Next week's Quidditch match day went like this: Oliver Wood woke Harry up by hitting him with one of Hermione's sledgehammers. Harry got up from bed, put his clothes on under his new Quidditch robes, grabbed Bobby Goat, and headed toward the Quidditch field with Wood. At the Quidditch field, he finally met his other teammates: Angelina Johnson, Katie Bell, Alicia Spinnet, Fred Weasley, and George Weasley. Angelina, Katie, and Alicia are the chasers. Fred and George are the beaters. They were all idiots, like Harry.

They got ready for the game. Wood had to show Harry how to mount his broom, even though he should've known how to do it. Not too long after that, the Slytherins came to the field. Then, the game began. Every person, on each team, rose up into the air. Harry was looping around in circles, rather than looking for the snitch for the first few minutes. But then, Bobby Goat was jerking around like it was trying to push him off and fall to his death. BECAUSE BOBBY GOAT WAS TRYING TO PUSH HIM OFF!

Hermione saw this and thought that someone was jinxing the broom. She saw Hagrid's binoculars and shouted to Hagrid, "HAGRID, GIVE ME YOUR BINOCULARS!" Hagrid replied stupidly, "Duh?" Hermione snatched the binoculars out of Hagrid's fat hands. She saw Snape moving his mouth quickly. Hermione shouted, "I KNEW IT! HE'S JINXING THE BROOM! SNAPE'S JINXING HARRY'S BROOM!" Ron said "Uhhhh?"

Hermione knew she had to do something. So, she ran to Snape without stopping, not even to apologize to Quirrell for pushing him over because she was so fat. She lit Snape on fire so that he jumped up and down until the fire was gone, but Harry had gotten back on his broom. Harry forgot what to do. So, he followed everyone until Wood shouted, "HARRY YOU RETARDED GOOF! THE SNITCH! YOU HAVE GOT TO GET THE SNITCH! IT'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU!"

Harry turned around to see a golden snitch. Harry said with wide eyes, "Oooo! Yummy!" Harry opened his mouth and the snitch flew into his mouth. When Harry tried to swallow it, he started choking on the snitch. Harry fell to the ground and he looked like he was about to puke. Hermione, Ron, Hagrid, and a bunch of other insignificant people ran to see if Harry was going to puke. Harry opened his mouth to wail, but instead the snitch fell out. Harry was going to try to eat it again, but Hermione took the snitch and stuffed it into Harry's palm. Harry shouted to the crowd, "ME GOT PRETTY THINGY!"

The Gryffindor team won the game. Harry, Ron, and Hermione left the field with Hagrid. Hermione explained that Snape was jinxing Harry's broom. They didn't understand, so Hermione had to act it out, then they finally understood. Hagrid said, "Snape ain't do somethin like tha." Hermione replied, "Then, why did he try to get past that scary dog on Halloween?" Hermione remembered Snape having a large bite on his leg that only a Chihuahua could do. Hagrid said, "How you know bout Fluffy?" Hermione replied, "He's yours?" Hagrid nodded stupidly, "I got im to guard somethin Dumbledore waned. No one knows what Fluffy is guardin except the teachers, Dumbledore, and Nicholas Flamel." Hagrid left. Hermione asked Harry and Ron, "Who is Nicholas Flamel?" Both Harry and Ron shrugged. The trio returned to the castle all wondering who is Nicholas Flamel. Ron and Harry were just wondering what the heck Hermione was talking about.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Harry Potter and the Idiot's Shiny Rock**_

AN: Well, here it is, the amazing Chapter 5! This will be all about CHRISTMAS! YAY! There are a few twists in this chapter, but I hope you like them. NOW READ IT THIS MINUTE! OR ELSE! And Merry Christmas to all and… Well, you know the rest.

Chapter 5

Ah. It's Christmas time, a time of joy and cheer. For Harry and Ron, complete stupidity (as usual). At Hogwarts, there is a Christmas vacation where the students get to choose whether they want to stay at Hogwarts. Harry chose to stay at Hogwarts while Ron and Hermione were going to go stay at their homes.

While Hermione was still at school, she was trying to find some information on Nicholas Flamel (flashback from Chapter 4). Since Hermione was going home for the holidays, she wanted Harry to get some information on Nicholas Flamel. Of course, she knew Harry would not remember the task (he would probably forget all about Hermione too), so she taped a reminder message that was right on his forehead. It was just scribbles because Hermione knew that Harry thought each scribble was a letter of the alphabet.

Harry forgot that his parents were dead and that he hates his aunt and uncle, so he had his trunk packed for weeks, but then Hermione told him that his parents were dead. Then, Harry threw his clothes out the window (on Snape) and cried for 9 hours straight. Now, Ron, who thought that the train would come a week early, waited for the train that would not come until a week. When he was told that he was early, he left and unpacked his cardboard box (he couldn't afford a trunk or a bag), but he forgot to come for the train on the correct day. So he stayed too. Hermione was the only one who had the brains to go to her home for the holidays.

6 minutes after Hermione was gone, Harry and Ron started crying hysterically. And they didn't even realize that Hermione was gone. But, 2 hours later they stopped and Ron spotted what he thought was a candy cane, but was Harry's wand.

When he was reaching for the 'wand' and Harry screamed, "NOOOOO!" Next, he snatched his 'wand' back from Ron's freckly hands. "CANDY CANE MINE!" exclaimed Harry. Harry and Ron then started having a Tug of War contest with Ron over the wand. Snape came over to Harry and Ron and said, "What on earth are you doing?" Harry replied, "Me want candy cane!" Next, Snape strode toward the Christmas tree and took a 'candy cane' and told Harry, "Here's a candy cane, now stop arguing. Also, I will take your wands for your foolishness." Snape put the 'candy cane' on the table, but when he was reaching for their wands Harry raised the 'candy cane' and yelled, "!"

And before Harry and Ron's eyes Snape turned into an elf and ran away crying and screaming for his 'Mummy'. So it turns out that the thing that was originally in Harry's pocket was a candy cane after all. And that the thing on the Christmas tree was Harry's wand.

The question is that how exactly Harry's wand got on the Christmas tree. The answer to that is he left his wand there when he was reaching for the candy cane from the Christmas tree.

On Christmas day, Harry expected a pony, a cat, a man eating chair, a talking piñata, a picture of fried chicken, and gold. And Ron expected nothing because he forgot that he was going to receive gifts from friends and family. However, instead Ron got coal from Hermione, coal from Hagrid, coal from his family, and even coal from Santa Claus. Also, he received a letter from his parents:

Dear Ron,

If you are still able to read this, we are very proud of you. If you can't, we will be sending Dr. Iknowyouarestupid to help you. We hope you are having a good time at Hogwarts and that you are learning a lot of information. If you are not learning anything, we will put you back in the orphanage **again**. Have a Merry Christmas.

From,

Your Unloving Parents

Harry was also very happy about his gifts. He received a pony, a cat, a man eating chair, gold, a talking piñata, and a letter saying how good of a friend he is from Hermione. Also, he got a picture of fried chicken from Hagrid, a piece of pie from the Dursleys, and a letter about how good he is from Santa. His last package came from an anonymous source that said this gift was originally his Father's. Harry thought the person's name was actually 'Anonymous'. He ripped opened the mysterious package and found a silver blanket. When he wrapped his whole body around the blanket and his whole body turned invisible.

Ron screamed like the little girl he is. Harry looked at his body and exclaimed, "ME GONE!" When he removed the cloak his body came back. Harry cried because he truly thought that he was never going to be invisible again. After six days of long and hard thinking, he finally realized that when he is wrapped in the silver blanket he has the ability to be invisible. Harry suddenly had an itch on his forehead, but when he touched his forehead and found a piece of paper that was taped to his forehead. He removed the paper and saw that it said: "Remember to find information on Nicholas Flamel."

When Harry finally figured out what the note meant, it was late at night and was told by his roommate, Nigel Krimplepuffer that he wasn't supposed to leave the dormitory late at night. So, Harry spit on him that caused him to scream and run out the window and fall into the Black Lake where he was taken by the mermaids where they forced him to eat liver-filled peanut butter cups. Because of this no one ever saw him again and no one really cared.

Anyways, Harry was cold so he put on his blanket that turned him invisible and headed towards the library. In the library Harry searched the library for Nicholas Flamel. Since, he found no information; he was going to head back to his dormitory. But then, Filch came in with the piece of pie the piece of pie from the Dursleys he stole from Harry. Harry was mad so he took the piece and headed off.

Afterwards, Filch rushed to the school staff and told them a student is out of bed so, the teachers started a search. McGonagall informed Dumbledore, when Dumbledore heard this he ran into his closet, pulled out his rifle, and exclaimed, "LET'S GO STUDENT HUNTING!" McGonagall told Dumbledore that there was no need for a gun, but he took it anyways.

Harry heard about the hunt and decided to hide in a random room. In the room he stepped forward and looked into a 'mirror' and he was extremely elated about what he saw. "Mummy? Dada?" Harry asked 2 large pairs of keys. However, it turned out that the 'mirror' was actually a picture of large keys. Disappointed, Harry turned around and looked into a mirror and saw himself with a woman with Harry's eyes and red hair with a man who looked exactly like Harry. Those two people are Harry's parents. Harry wanted to walk inside the mirror, but he just hit his hollow head on the mirror.

Then, Dumbledore came in, pointed his gun at Harry and yelled, "PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM YOU PIE THEIF! Oh, it's just you, Harry," Dumbledore put the gun down, "I wouldn't shoot the Boy Who Lived. I thought it was someone unimportant, like that Weasley fellow. Well, I see you have found the Mirror of Erised. The mirror shows what your true heart's desire is. Now, get off to bed and please don't come back here again, this mirror is much more dangerous than it seems. And anyways, it will be moved to a new home tomorrow. Good night."

Harry said good night to Dumbledore and went off to bed. He knew that he wasn't going to go see the Mirror of Erised again. Or would he?


End file.
